Scratch Away
by Penthesilea2
Summary: Bella struggles with becoming a vampire, the thirst for human blood, and for once, her conscience.  Lyrics interspersed are from Little Things by Bush.


**_I bleach the sky, every night, _**

**_Loaded on wrong and further from right._**

**_Spinning around, two howling moons,_**

**'_Cause their always there,_**

**_Whatever I do._**

Life's not fair.

I think if it was, we would be very stupid creatures, all of us, because it's while it's one of the hardest lessons to learn, every significant thing I've ever learned has stemmed from it.

Yes, life's not fair, but we wouldn't really be happy if it was. We would be peaceful, calm, without passion or outrage, because we wouldn't feel the chances that were taken away, the words that couldn't be spoke, the places we'd never go, the people we'd never see. We'd have everything we wanted, so we wouldn't _want._

I'm not making sense again. That's fine though, I rarely do.

**_The river is loaded, I've been there today._**

**_Took it some questions, she does me again?_**

**_I'd die in your arms, if you were dead too._**

**_Here comes a lie: we will always be true._**

So the truth of life is that people die. Even heroes die, though we don't want to believe it. People you love die, people you never expect to die, people that seem so strong and invincible, or simply so full of life that you thought death could never touch them.

I looked at the rising moons, luminescent and pearly above the tips of evergreen trees, unused to the sight of it when it wasn't obscured by clouds and thought about how I wished I could live there.

I didn't need air now, so maybe I could, I mused to myself. I'd stow away on the space shuttle or maybe I would simply run very fast. With my newfound inhuman strength, it shouldn't be hard to fight gravity itself. I grimaced a little, thinking that Edward had never mentioned he could fly, but perhaps he could, with enough effort.

I would never be able to hurt someone from the moon. I wouldn't be able to smell the tantalizing scent of their blood, the cloying odour that invaded my senses and made me lose my mind, lose my soul, lose my rational thought…

There was a movement behind me, though I doubt I would ever have heard it when I was human.

Air ghosted across my neck, but skin of marble did betray the goosebumps they should have. I waited for him to speak.

Before he did though, he touched my shoulder. He was tentative, and I reminded me of my other life, the life where I was so fragile that he was afraid to hurt me.

**_Going up when coming down,_**

**_Scratch away_**

**_It's the little things that kill,_**

**_Tearing at my brain again,_**

**_It's the little things that kill,_**

**_It's the little things that kill._**

"Thinking about Jacob?"

I suppressed another grimace.

"No, though that's another line of guilt that I will be sure to follow later, thanks," I said, sarcasm touching my voice.

He snatched his hand away, as though burned.

I sighed.

"Sorry, Edward," I apologized, "You don't deserve that. I asked to be this way. In most ways, I don't regret it. But today…."

Today I had nearly killed a man.

It would have been so easy, killing that man. He was young and strong, athletic, with blue eyes. Attractive. But I was so much stronger. It was strange the way life worked out.

This time, Edward enfolded me entirely in his arms. The entire smooth and perfect length of him was pressed against me and his face was buried in my hair. He inhaled and sighed as if he wanted only to take in my scent, but I knew it was also because he had no words for the occasion.

**_We're best at denial, but best at forget,_**

**_The cupboard is empty, we really need food,_**

**_Summer is winter and you always knew._**

"You saved my soul again," I murmured softly.

"When did I save it the first time?" he queried in amusement.

I paused. He saw certain things differently than me, and it made it difficult to explain.

"I would have lost myself without you," I said softly, "I would have been a shell that ate, and breathed, and slept and ate, but I wouldn't really have a soul."

_Going up when coming down,_

_Scratch away._

"I sense a 'but' around here somewhere," he mused, kissing my temple slowly, then my ear, and very lightly, very lingeringly, on my neck.

I nodded into his chest, still admiring the way the moonlight made his skin glow.

"But I wish I didn't have these urges. I feel so human, most of the time, it almost makes it more scary when they're upon me. It's so strange, so horrible, so tempting…"

He frowned, "I wish we both could have been human. It would have made our lives easier, don't you think?"

"It's alright," I said, "I've come up with a solution."

"Oh?"

"We're going to live on the moon."

He chuckled. "Not very interesting, I would think, once we got past the amazing view."

"I hear the Earth is very beautiful from space."

He smiled, gazing into my eyes. "But I have the most beautiful sight right here."

Beautiful… yes, I suppose I could be called beautiful now. But with that came being deadly. And sometimes I didn't think it was worth it. There was more to life than beauty.

**_I touch your mouth,_**

**_My lips are food,_**

**_I'm addicted to love,_**

**_I'm addicted to fools,_**

I stared out the window for a long, thinking about the unfairness of life. Thinking about how life could have been different. If Edward had been human. If Jacob had been the only person in my life. Thinking that if it was some kind of supernatural attraction that had brought me to Edward, then was that magic was stronger than life? Stronger than nature?

I thought of the problem of gravity again, and how nature seemed to usually exclude the impossible. Like running to the moon. Like loving a vampire.

**_The little things that kill,_**

**_Tearing at my brain again,_**

**_The little things that kill,_**

**_The little things that kill._**

I supposed that fate was stronger than anything, even nature. That was why, against all odds, people died that shouldn't, people that were so vibrant, only fate could bring them down.

Fairness was a concept it was hard to grasp. Maybe there was universal justice for some. Maybe the bad things of one life were atoned for. Maybe we were reborn, and in that life, things were fair.

I sighed, and looked at the moon, and thought of Jacob, thought of Edward, thought of the man I'd nearly killed today. I considered that if life wasn't fair, and nature wasn't fair, then it was just up to me to try. To resist the order of things, the way I'd become.

After all, I should have died once, maybe many more times over, if not for Edward. Perhaps life was fair, and what I perceived as not so was actually just my payment.

Yes, I decided. It was good that life was not fair.

**_I kill you once,_**

**_I kill you again,_**

**_We're starving and crude,_**

**_Welcome my friend to_**

**_The little things that kill._**


End file.
